Love, The Master of Horror
Date: October 24, 2008
Around halfway through a 12+ year relationship, I received a birthday present from my friggin' beloved via FedEx. We were in the midst of one of many apprehensive reconciliations and he REALLY wanted to woo me this time. Upon opening the package, I thought, He knows I already read this. But the card instructed me to turn to page three. Apparently Mr. King doesn't "do autographs" very often. I still have no idea how he obtained the thing, but it remains in my home, a memento of a very rocky, love-torn "chapter" in my life.
Date: October 22, 2008
I know you've said you'll come get your stuff out of the garage but it's still sitting there. You've been telling me that for months and months. I don't even know what most of it is. I recognize a few car parts.
It's not a huge deal. I guess it could just keep sitting there but at some point I'll get motivated and decide to clean out the garage and I'll throw all the mystery stuff away and then you'll show up like a day later finally ready to pick it up and we'll look at each other, remembering that our timing was always off like that. Hopefully we'll laugh about it because that was just how things always went for us.
Oh, what the hell - your crap can stay in the garage until you get around to picking it up. It might even be nice to see you...
Trip to the moon.
Date: October 16, 2008
My roommate in college started as a friend and became a best friend during the time we lived together. That in itself is a minor miracle. We had so much fun together, so many similar likes and dislikes. We were going to different schools so our apartment became our escape from the daily dramas of college life, boyfriends etc.
We had a very similar sense of humor and an identical love of comfort food. Tuna casserole? Really? I LOVE tuna casserole! And we made a damn good one. Next, we found the perfect ratio of marshmallow to Rice Crispy, the best brownie mix, the easiest Campbell Soup one-dish dinner. And maybe SOME of this was fulled by something other than a desire to cook.
We weren't regular pot smokers but indulged occasionally - not regularly enough to have the appropriate paraphernalia on hand so we had to improvise. And THIS is where something left behind enters the story. My roommate had long since moved out, I'd been living in the apartment with my new husband for several years and now we were packing for a move of our own. That's when I found it. Tucked back behind the spices in the cabinet above the stove, sitting forgotten for years: one toilet paper cardboard tube, covered completely in aluminum foil with a toothpick poked, charred impression in the top. This discovery alone would have made me smile but the details are what got me laughing - the carefully added silver wings and tail, the nose cone and landing gear - our very own, very handmade rocket ship bong. Sweet.
Date: October 14, 2008
This picture was a gift from my college boyfriend. It turned out that we had a lot of gift-giving occasions really close to each other which got to be expensive especially since we were students. So I had the brilliant idea that we would make each other gifts because it would be more special…and cheaper.
I didn’t know at the time that Tom had taken up painting, which isn’t really something you just “take up”, especially when it comes to painting portraits. This was his attempt at copying a photograph of the two of us onto a canvas. Considering that my head isn’t twice the size of a normal person’s, I had every right to be offended at this portrayal of me, but I of course acted excited and stunned by his thoughtful gift. Oh, and I had to keep it on my mantle until we broke up.
I will probably always have this picture, mainly because if any of my friends or family finds out that I’ve thrown it away, I will surely find them digging through my trash trying to save it and it will then make appearances at every event, wedding, and family function for the rest of my life. It’s also always good for a laugh, so it often gets pulled out of the closet to show off to guests; I just have to make sure no one walks off with it. Oh, and I have never again suggested to a boyfriend that we make gifts for each other. I definitely learned my lesson on that one!
Well, well Ms. Kang..
Date: October 13, 2008
Okay, this isn't a relationship entry. This is just a "stuff that's left behind" entry. A couple of years ago I moved into a new apartment. The woman who lived there before me was a small, quiet, almost bookish Korean lady (lady sounds too old, she was in her mid twenties). She showed me around her apartment which was very non-descript. Basic Ikea chairs, white duvets, simple desk and chairs....in other words, boring. Ms. Kang was boring. The day I moved in, I was unloading stuff into the bedroom closet and found a poster tube in the back. I opened it up and pulled out two posters. They were the seediest black and white Lesbian porn art I've ever seen. I've added a photo here and I'd like to add that this is a day in disneyland with the kids compared to the images left behind by the Kang. I quickly stuffed the posters back in the tube and left a message on Ms. Kang's voice mail letting her know I had her mail and um...a poster tube I found in the closet. I never admitted to having opened it. Well, Ms. Kang showed up, picked up her mail and her tube (head held high, I might add) and I never saw her again. It makes me wonder where she is now and who she is surprising the crap out of. You go Kang, you go girlfriend.
*Please note, Ms.Kang is not the real name of this closeted lesbian. It was something even more boring and unsuspecting.
Who thought this was a good idea?
Date: October 12, 2008
It was our first big purchase together - a double papasan chair. And it was totally comfortable... for like a week. Who designed this torture device? I ended up with the thing after we split up, still not sure why.
My new roommate and I tried in vain to make it more comfortable, lining the bottom with foam pads but to no avail. It wasn't so much that it was a painful reminder of a past relationship - it was just painful.
Date: October 11, 2008
Among all my possessions, I have one that still makes me smile, 40 years after I received it as a gift. Scottie was my first "boyfriend" - cute, geeky, hyperactive - basically your typical 6 year old first grader. We had been invited to a birthday party, and so we walked there together, all dressed up, with our presents under our arms. Except, Scottie had two presents. I was curious, and asked him why? That's when he turned to me and said, "well, one is for the party, but the other one is for you. It's a surprise...cause I like you." My gift was a little cedar pencil case! This was the first present I ever got from a boy, and I was thrilled! While Scottie & I were not together for long (I had a wandering eye), I still have his present, and the sweet memory.
Mary's Junk - Do Not Discard
Date: October 10, 2008
When I was in my late teens and early twenties I saved "everything" from almost all my relationships including airline boarding passes, back stage passes from concerts (a bit of a groupie back then) match books, cocktail napkins from every bar and restaurant I visited, even a paper plate Autographed by the band "The Cars" from an in-store appearance at a "Peaches Records Store," and of course, photos.
I had one karate tournament photo of a boyfriend that many, many years later "miraculously" showed up on his desk at his real estate office - I had a friend who just happened to rent from this guy (he had no way of knowing that I even knew her) and she helped me plant it on his desk with "do you remember this?" written on it. It had to have driven him crazy trying to figure out where and who it came from. I also had her plant a photo with him and his brother dressed up like Buddy Holly that his mother had given me many years before that he did not even know about.
After 30 years, I still have that box in my closet. I figured I would get rid of it someday when I married but that has not happened yet so the box stays put. I pull it out every now and then and remember all the fun I had and continue to wait for "th guy that gets rid of the box." I hope he shows up soon.
Mine until the end.....
Date: October 9, 2008
Growing up, my family always had a pet – dog, cat, hamster, whatever - none of which I considered mine. I decided, after my boyfriend and I got together, that I wanted to get a dog. After much whining and begging, he finally got me a Cocker Spaniel we named Joe for Christmas just before we got married.
There was never any question about whose dog Joe was – I took him to obedience school, I walked and fed him daily, I was the one who got to take him to the vet. He was mine, and I was reminded of that every time there was an accident in the house or he needed to be walked when it was raining.
We were married for 10 years when I decided to leave. The marriage had been bad for quite a while and I needed to start over and be happy again. I moved most of my stuff out while he was at work and waited until he came home to tell him I was leaving. When I told him, he informed me that Joe would be staying with him. I let him know that there was no way I was leaving MY dog with him. I also reminded him that for the past 11 years he had pointed out over and over that Joe was my dog. After a calm conversation (at least I was calm) he realized that I was serious about everything – I really was leaving and taking the dog. Later, we arranged to have “visitation” privileges in exchange for paying half of any vet bills, and even had it written into our divorce agreement.
Joe lived with me for another five years before dying of cancer at 16½. When I buried him in the back yard, my ex came over and we had a small ceremony. It was one of the most difficult days of my life. Later, I came to realize that Joe was the best thing to come from the marriage, and I miss him every day.
he's the father of my two tats
Date: October 9, 2008
Yes, that's tats not cats! He's allergic to my cats. My tats are 14 years apart and he fathered both of them. We were split up for ten years. Got together again and bam, I've been inked again! He has refused to pay child support! He also has two, both we got together, but I'm sure he doesn't see them the same way. My Tats names are Rubens and Zelda, his are Opus and Otis.